A Traumatizing Conglomeration of Crack Pairings
by Kailean
Summary: A series of one shots based on some of the crack pairings listed in the forum. Suggestions welcome! Better summary inside! First up: Pepito and Noodle Boy! Second: Pepito/Shmee!
1. Chapter 1

**A Horribly Traumatizing Conglomeration of Crack Pairings**

So, I was reading the thread about crack pairings in the forum here and was inspired. Horribly inspired. There were so many terrible pairings that I just had to try my hand at some of them. I'm thinking that this is going to be a collection of drabbly one shot thingies, each featuring at least one of those pairings.

I know what you're thinking: Aren't ALL JV pairings crack? That is a fine question, and we at Fanfiction dot net have always know the answer to be a resounding MAYBE! But some are so much worse than others.

I am taking most of these pairings from the list made on the forum (but I'm not doing ALL of them). I don't support all (or most) of what shall be here. I am going to try to break cannon (adding is ok, subtracting isn't) as less as possible with these, but a little oocness is a given with some of them. The challenge for me to find unique ways that make a given crack pairing a bit more plausible. Some will be humor, some sad, some creepy, most will make you cringe. I think I am going to have to move the story up to M for violence and sex at some point, if some chapters demand.

Feel free to make suggestions for future pairings, but if I don't do yours it's just because I couldn't figure out a good way to pull it off. And I am cheating on some of these, making them one-sided or under special circumstances.

Future Pairings so far (in no order): Pepito/Senior Diablo, Anne Gwish/Devi, The Nun in heaven/Nny, Sr. Diablo/nny, shmee/todd's dad, todd/gaz (I actually like this one!), shmee/pepito, Mmy/Devi.

Jesus, Jhonen, and Mary, thank you I don't own this!

**Chapter One: Pepito/Happy Noodle Boy**

Warnings: Sexual innuendo, trauma, horrible language

In a bedroom lain out in gothic decor and stuffed with almost enough movies, video games, and books to ease the tedium of the infernal ...inferno that was the town that they lived in, two preteen boys sat on the floor, surrounded by comic books, scraps of cardboard, and Pepito's mother's scrap booking kit.

The Antichrist had finally managed to coerce-er-_persuade_ his best friend, Todd Castil, to spend the night at his house. All it had taken was about a couple hundred promises to make no attempts turn him to the Dark Side...and a few calls to his parents inviting them to a free night of luxury at the local Holiday Hotel. Since the other boy had arrived earlier that day, the two had watched several movies, taken his dog, Woofles, for a walk to scare some of their classmates, and discovered that Pepito was better at cards while Todd was better at scrabble.

Through all of this, Pepito had somehow managed to only minimally traumatize the other, and, while he was highly pleased with this, it was getting a little boring. He needed to do something dramatic, something fun, something that would make Squee want to spend every weekend at his house!

"Pepito, I don't know about this..."

"_Relax_, Amigo. Haven't you always wanted to see a real life comic book hero?"

"Well...maybe. But, Happy Noddle Boy is kinda deranged, ..which actually makes sense since he's created by the Scary Neighbor Man." Squee visibly shuddered at the thought of the man who resided in the shack beside his own house, mostly in between long "vacations".

"Yeah, but that's what makes him fun. Besides, simple drawings are easier to work with." The half-demon pressed down firmly, cementing a life-sized cutout of the stick figure to the cardboard body beneath via the sticky, dragon's blood based concoction between. When they seemed to be throughly fused together, he leaned back, reaching for a thick, black book.

"What's that?" Leaning forward, across the giant paper doll, Squee peered cautiously at the item. His friendship with Pepito was a constant struggle between curiosity and fear. But, then again, so was most of his life.

"My personal Grimoire, of course. It's kind of a magical work book that Father says I have to complete before my next birthday, if I wish to be initiated like everyone is expecting." Pepito flipped through the book with unsure hands. The truth was he was a little behind. He had a tendency to put off anything to do with the family business, much to his Father's dismay. It wasn't really that he disliked magic. He just didn't like feeling obligated ...or tending to the Damned.

"...Oh." Squee shifted uneasily, brushing dark bangs from his eyes. It seemed like a good deal of his time with Pepito during the last few years had been spent avoiding that particular topic. "Do you?"

Lifting his head, Pepito shot the other boy a quizzical look. "I...of _course_ I do, Amigo." His eyes quickly returned to the pages below, concealing an uncertain, worried look that soon melted into a pleased smile as he found the spell he was looking for. "Here it is! You may want to move back some."

Squee gave the paper person a fearful glance before moving all the way to the corner of Pepito's room, where he crawled on top of the other boy's bed, hoping feebly that the height would keep the thing away from him. "Okay, I guess I'm as ready as I'm gonna be."

"Excelente." The Second Coming of Damnation sent his friend a reassuring smile before turning back around to focus on the task at hand. He closed his eyes briefly as his breathing calmed and deepened before his hands moved over the surface of the character in front of him. He felt the energy build as he spoke in a rolling, monotone Enochian tongue. "Eol fafen vavn ooe. Solpeth bien. Imvamar odzamran obelisong. Torgv!"

The paper and cardboard shivered as if a breeze had blown in through the closed window, then stilled.

Pepito released a disappointed huff, rising from his position to flop backwards on to his bed, beside Squee. "Well, that was anticlimactic. I apologize, Todd. I fail at magic _and_ entertainment."

Squee let out a relieved sigh before rolling his eyes at the boy lying by his side. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind, really." He sent him a teasing smile. "And stop being so over dramatic."

Removing the arm that had come to rest over his face, Pepito raised a dark eyebrow, sending Squee an incredulous smirk. "Someone is getting a little ballesy." He nudged the other boy's hip with a black socked foot.

"Yeah, well, you have to fail a little less at evil to keep me in line." Squee easily captured the foot, chuckling a little at the red "I heart me" that was stitched down the side as he tickled it. So very Pepito.

Laughing against his own will at the small touches, the demonic boy squirmed, trying desperately to break free and maybe look a bit less inept. "Knock it off, mortal, or I'll show you evil." Finally giving up, he resorted to using his powers to pull Squee back from his sitting position, onto his back and away from his feet. "That's better." He released a deep breath, resolving to learn some new spells that involved tickling to seek revenge at a later time. Turning to face his friend, he had to suppress the desire to face palm himself at the other's pale disposition, full of shock and terror. "Amigo? I didn't mean that, okay? I was merely kidding."

Squee shook his head at Pepito's worried words. He was really pretty used to their joking around by now. His body felt almost frozen in fear, but he managed to lift his arm all the same, pointing a shaking finger at the paper doll that had come to life and risen from the floor during their preoccupation.

When Pepito followed the other's line of view, his confusion turned to elation that his spell had worked after all, even if it had lagged longer than it should have. Sitting up, he took in the form of the comic book protagonist...or at least he thought he was a protagonist. Really, he could just as easily be an antagonist. Happy Noodle Boy was so cracky that it was hard to tell. "Come on, Todd. Don't defeat the purpose. I did this for you, you know."

Reluctantly, Squee took the hand that Pepito offered, allowing the Antichrist to pull him back into a sitting position as well. The Noddle Boy no longer seemed to be made of paper and cardboard. He was still very skinny. Too skinny for a human to survive...skinnier than Nny even, though he looked human. And he was wearing clothes now...kind of. To be exact, he was wearing a lot of black mesh and leather. Well, much more mesh than leather. And not in the alternative style that Pepito sometimes sported either. The style was more _erotic_, which to Squee's twelve year old mind fell firmly into the category of "gross", especially on that body. "Uh, Pepito, why is he wearing that?"

"I..don't know, actually. He never wears that in the comic." Pepito cocked his head to the side, wondering what had gone wrong with his spell.

Happy Noodle Boy looked himself over with a strangely self-satisfied smirk before turning to the boys, speaking in his usual loud proclamation. "YES! WITNESS MY BODY! WITNESS MY SEX-E-NESS! Does not my wondrous, NIPPLESS frame make your eyes THROB with PLEASURE? Worship me with your juicy, cabbage mouths, for I am a shitting penal fissure!"

As Happy Noodle Boy turned his attention to Pepito's stereo, adjusting the station to some sort of tecno that apparently leaned itself to "sexy" dancing, Squee scooted closer to Pepito, speaking softly. "Pepi, that's way sicker than normal. Can you make it stop now?"

"Hold on." Just as Pepito was about to make a dash for the book of spells on the floor, Noodle Boy jumped in front of him, ready to commence with his dancing.

"Alright, Fucky-Fuckers! Time to commence with the HAPPY TIME! I now copulate with twinkies!" He pointed a long, thin finger in their direction. "Yarrg! I'm saying 'yarrg'!"

Squee and Pepito exchanged a very disturbed look: Squee's a very confused, disturbed look and Pepito's a very offended, disturbed look.

As a rhythmic beat pulsated through Pepito's room, Noodle Boy began to swing his lack of hips to the beat in a slow, seductive motion, at the same time beginning to remove the black, leather vest that covered his upper chest, running his spiny hands up and down his body, over the mesh that covered his flat stomach and the short shorts with the zippered crotch.

As his grip tightened on Pepito's arm, Squee felt his stomach flop around like a dying fish out of water. He was going to be sick. He just knew it. He was going to be sick all over the Antichrist, and then maybe something even more horrible would happen to him...if that was even possible. "Pepito, make it stop. Please!"

By that point, Pepito's complexion had tented a deep pink. Not much could embarrass the son of Satan, but this was epically mortifying. This wasn't how his spell was intended to work at all! He probably shouldn't have replaced the word "entertainment" with "ecstasy", but he didn't think that the Enochian language even contained the first one! "Alright, alright. Give me a second." His hand moved to pat Squee's before prying it from his own arm as he closed his eyes to block out the horrendous image before them. He just had to think of the right words.

Happy Noodle Boy dropped his vest to the ground, pointing excitedly at where his nipples should have been. He stepped forward to smack Pepito when it was obvious that he wasn't watching. "FOOL! Pay attention to my naval! It knows things! Else my secret elbow shall fall upon your head! Your horny head..of horns!"

"Ouch!" A tan hand rose to Pepito's face, covering the reddening hand print as the boy's eyes gleamed the color of burning brimstone. "You...you disrespectful freak! I created you, and therefore you have to do as I say! And I say 'stop'! Stop all this nonsense, and return to your papery form!"

"SILENCE, mongoloid demon baby! You call me nonsensical, and yet you ENVY me! You wish to butter my groin and slap my ASS as you spoil your pants with your creamy TWINKIE filling! THEN you will know my power! Yes, then you will know!" Noodle Boy turned around, presenting them with said "ass" as he attempted, and failed, to make it bounce.

"Oh, God." Squee's hand moved to cover his mouth as he tried to chock back the vomit. When the hand finally fell back to his side, he spoke in a quick, frantic tangle of words. "Uh, Pepito, I have to leave. Right now."

"But, Amigo, I can fix this! And there's no one at your house!"

"I'll sleep on the back porch with the crowbar! Thanks for having me over, see ya at skool, bye!"

"But!"

But it was too late. Squee took the opportunity to run very quickly for the door, tearing it open and slamming it closed behind him as he fled. He had left his shoes and backpack behind, but for the time being, that was okay.

Pepito turned back, angrily, to the comic book character. "Damn you! Now Squee will never want to come back! I should just set you aflame! Even if your not paper anymore, you can still burn." But then again, so could his bedroom. It was now equipped with flame retardant carpet, but everything else was still susceptible, and his parents had said that if it happened again, they wouldn't replace his gaming consoles. So ..decisions.

"AFLAME?! Yes, AFLAME! I'm a'flamin'! FLAME WITH ME!" Noodle Boy dove through the air, landing on the boy's lap to hump his leg like a confused dog. "I contain no soy, only BEEF! No paper, but MEAT! I AM MEAT MAN, hear me score!"

"AHHHH!" Pepito reared back, backhanding the Noodle Man hard across the face. "Get off me!"

"YES! Slap me and call be Bettie! Harder, harder! Look at my THIGHS! My creamy, BANANNA thighs!"

"Noooo! Todd, come back! Help me! Father! Mother! SOMEBODY!" For the first time ever, Pepito's voice rose in a horrified cry for help. Not even the Damned in Hell had it this bad! Or the Taco Hell workers in Heaven! And no one was coming to his aid. Great.

"I LOVE YOU, my beautiful little Spanish exit wound!" Noodle Boy kissed him with slobbery, yellow wetness and moldy cheese breath.

Pepito was officially no longer a Happy Noodle Boy fan.

Notes:

-This is what Pepito said in Enochian: "I made you to the intent that you might work ECSTASY. Hearken unto my voice. Apply yourselves unto us and show yourselves as pleasant deliverers. Arise. "


	2. Chapter 2

A Horribly Traumatizing Conglomeration of Crack Pairings

I decided to do this one next because it was easy to make it a follow up to the first chapter. Pepito is still 12 (almost 13) here. I have some other ideas for this pairing, with a more exciting plot (where Shmee is more active) that I may do later. This one isn't really funny. It's more...messed up. And a little cute..in a messed up way..maybe. The sex isn't supposed to be "hot" either (he's 12!), so it's not really lemony. I have a sex alert before the messed up sexual act begins, so you can stop reading there, if you want.

Chapter Two: Pepito/Shmee

Warnings/notes: One-sided Pepito/Squee, disturbing sexual acts, this is a follow-up to chapter one, cause it was easier that way.

Pepito lay atop his darkly covered bed, already dressed in black boxers and a large Mindless Self Indulgence t-shirt, but unable to find sleep. He had really screwed up his chance to associate Squee's first sleepover with harmless fun. By now the boy was probably alone and cold, with only a piece of metal to protect him from the chaos that always seemed to seek him out. His arms hugged himself lightly as he stared at the swirling vortex that was painted on his ceiling and then the rest of the dark room.

The truth was, he felt a little traumatized himself. It had taken a good twenty minutes of struggling with the comic book character come to life for Pepito's mother to finally burst into his room in response to his cries for help, fresh from the shower and clad in her bathrobe. She had retrieved his father from the basement, and the Noodle Man had meet his end, leaving Pepito's room, though not his dignity, intact.

His eyes landed on a shabby old back pack and scuffed up tennis shoes that lay beside his closet door. Tomorrow was a Saturday, so Squee would probably be back for his stuff. He knew that the other boy never went anywhere for more than a few hours without the item that was almost certainly in the bag. Rising from his bed, he shuffled lazily across his room, kneeling beside the bag to pull the worn, metal zipper open. A small smirk formed on his lips as he lifted his best friend's most prized possession to eye level. "Hello, Shmee."

The slightly tattered bear just stared at him with big, black, rectangular eyes. Not that he had expected it to talk. Even when it supposedly talked to his friend, _he_ didn't hear it. Most likely, the voice was a combination of all the built up thoughts and emotions that Squee didn't want to accept. This theory was supported by the fact that, as the boy had gotten older, as he had become less naive, the bear spoke to him less frequently. But he still slept with it every night.

The Antichrist fixed the bear with a jealous glare. "Lucky, lint-infested trauma sponge." A short laugh followed. This obsession couldn't be healthy. Not if he was feeling threatened by inanimate objects. Still, ever since they had meet, he had been on an unending quest to get as close as he could. He had worked very hard for years to get their relationship to the point where it stood, the point where Squee was _willingly_ his friend, even if all of the fear wasn't completely gone. He considered this to be a major accomplishment, one which he wasn't about to risk losing to tell the other boy that _he_ wanted to be the one he held close at night, the one that he relied on to take away the nightmares. Especially when he knew that Squee wouldn't be exactly pleased to hear that. As far as Pepito had been able to discern, Squee wasn't interested in such things at all yet, and when he was, the half-demon most certainly wouldn't be his type.

He sighed sadly into the fur on the bear's head, inhaling Squee's scent afterwards. He was a bit surprised to find that he had brought Shmee into a comforting hug, much like he imagined his owner would, at those latest thoughts. It _was_ actually kind of soothing, but probably just because the teddy was almost an extension of Squee himself. He bit his lower lip in thought before the lock on his bedroom door clicked into place as he made his way back to bed. He didn't want anyone, even his parents, to find him sleeping with a teddy bear like some scared little mortal...like his favorite scared little mortal.

Crawling back into bed, Pepito pulled the covers up to his midsection before wrapping his arms firmly around the bear in an almost possessive embrace. He gave the stuffed animal a little squeeze before nuzzling against its fake coat, emitting a small laugh at his own ridiculous behavior. "Good night, Shmee." Placing a quick, jestful kiss on the teddy's head, Pepito settled into a comfortable position on his back.

**Sex Alert! Stop reading now if you want the cute, PG ending!**

As he closed his eyes, he wondered briefly if Squee kissed Shmee goodnight. The possibility made him smile. Maybe they had even kissed the same place. That was _almost_ like kissing Todd. Of course, the only way to be sure was to kiss the bear all over...

The kisses started out on the bear's head as a very light, very quick succession of touches. His objective was simply to cover the whole thing so that, if Squee had kissed it, or if he kissed it later, well, ...nothing really. But it would be neat. And it would feed into his wonderfully sick fantasies. As his lips passed below the bear's midsection, the kisses slowed down, lingering sensually and becoming progressively deeper. When he reached the unequipped crotch, his tongue darted out to lick the fur there.

"Ack!" The half-demon made a distasteful face at the lint that his tongue had accumulated, sticking the organ out to clean it off, but was otherwise undeterred.

He continued his kissing, minus the tongue, as his free hand relived himself of his tee-shirt and boxers, revealing his arousal to the cool air in his room. When he felt that the bear had been throughly kissed, he moved it down, brushing it against himself, and, once again, wondering if Squee had ever done _this_. Probably not. Still, the thought of the other boy curdled up with it at night after this was making his need almost painful. Clear precum glistened against brown fur in the dim light that peeked in through his window. He moaned at the sight, moving the bear harder against himself a few more times before bringing it back up, against his chest, which rose and fell with hard breaths.

His fingers gently messaged the fluid into the fur as he tried to calm down. It wouldn't do to present the bear to Squee with new and not so mysterious stains. At this point, he doubted that Shmee could survive another go in the washer either. He already had several long stitches from when "the scary neighbor man" had attacked him years ago, where minuscule bits of cotton were now slowly worming their way out. Even so, Squee had done a surprisingly good job of sewing up the jagged cuts for an eight year old. After running down one of the stitches, his finger traced the seam lines that held the bear together, making him smile mischievously as he was struck with a more drastic idea, one that might solve his predicament.

The light in his room switched on as he got up to retrieve some of the tools that still lay in his floor from his earlier spell. The tread and needle went on his nightstand, but the scissors remained in his steady hand as he carefully cut along the seam between Shmee's legs. Once the hole was big enough, the pivoted blades joined the other items. Pepito lay back down, feeling a little guiltily, but even more exited. This way he could have his fun without leaving any obvious evidence, and the thought of Squee sleeping with something that was so saturated with his ...energy was beyond satisfying.

Taking a deep breath, he gingerly lowered the bear onto himself until he was surrounded by a mass of cotton stuffing, a sensation that wasn't extremely pleasurable in itself, but was titillating all the same because of the context. Lifting the bear almost off of himself, he brought it back down harder and harder, all the while thinking about Squee holding it, hugging it, kissing it. His desire would be planted in the mist of Squee's innocent embrace, effecting him without truly corrupting.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. As he squeezed a fist tightly around himself through Shmee's stomach, his hips rocked up and down of their own volition until he was spent.

He lay there for a few moments as the euphoria slowly faded before removing the bear and cleaning up the mess of moisture and cottony fibers on himself. One finger stirred the contents of the bear, making sure that the cotton didn't stick together, before he began sewing the seam back into place. Finally, he looked the finished product over in his hands. "Perfectly inconspicuous, Mr. Bear. Now remember, not a word of this to Todd. I don't think he could handle it yet. You were great, by the way, for a stuffed toy."

Pepito shook his head at himself. He really needed to get this thing back to Squee before he developed some sort of strange psychosis from talking to it. With the way his night was going, it might start talking back...or even doing _other things_ back. Quickly, he pulled his boxers back on before returning the bear to his friend's bag, which he studied thoughtfully. Now that the situation was under control, he should probably seek the boy out. He couldn't just leave him alone on his back porch with a crowbar. Plus, he wouldn't be getting any sleep without Shmee anyway.

As he dressed, Pepito realized that what had just unfolded probably qualified as a lust ritual, what with all of its focused sexual energy. His first lust ritual. His lips formed a small, contriving, yet sentimental smile. Todd could never know about this.

But he kind of hoped it would work.

End

Notes:

-I decided to do this one next because it was easy to make it a follow up to the first chapter. Pepito is still 12 (almost 13) here. I have some other ideas for this pairing, with a more exciting plot (where Shmee is more active) that I may do later. This one isn't really funny. It's more...messed up. And a little cute..in a messed up way..maybe. The sex isn't supposed to be "hot" either (he's 12!), so it's not really lemony. I have a sex alert before the messed up sexual act begins, so you can stop reading there, if you want.

-Requests are still welcome. I have decided that I will probably do a Wall/Pepito at some point (still doing the Wall/Edgar too...maybe both together..). Still thinking about the other requests. Oh, and if you guys want one of the parties in a pairing to be dominate, tell me that specifically because I don't necessarily assume things based on which name comes before the slash or anything. I just try to fit them together in the way that makes the most sense to me. Also, IZ character requests are okay.

-Pepito, Squee and Shmee belong to JV, though after this crap, he may not want to claim them.

--Info about Satanic Magic: "LaVey names three types of Satanic ritual:  
Lust Rituals are conducted for the purpose of sexually attracting a person of your choice. LaVey specifies that you must have a particular person, or at least type of person, in mind for this to have any chance of success.  
Compassion Rituals are performed for the gain of those you care for, or on one's own behalf. The purpose is to increase worldly gain for the target, whether it be a friend or yourself. Any ritual aimed at gaining material wealth, physical advantage, or increase in life station falls into this category.  
Destruction Rituals are otherwise known as curses or hexes, and are employed for the destruction of one's enemies. This is from a summary of the Satanic Bible on Wikipedia, which is actually pretty accurate, though I get a lot of this stuff from the book.


End file.
